Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
• If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
• If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
• If you have an anger management problem, please throw the phone against the wall to select an option.

Anyway, I thought it was funny, and hope I haven’t offended anyone by posting it.

In all seriousness, the real messages that many psychiatrists have are almost as funny. You know, the one that says, “If you have a ‘true’ emergency, please go to the nearest emergency room or call 911.” I’ve always thought this is a stupid message, that is insensitive and uncaring. Like patients don’t know about 911 or the emergency room. I believe a better message is to offer a pager number or cell phone number where a patient can reach me, their psychologist, rather than an impersonal 911 operator. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I can usually help the client through crisis quickly and effectively.

Copyright © 2009 Andrew Gottlieb, Ph.D. /The Psychology Lounge/TPL Productions