Listener<\/strong>:<\/p>\r\n Which do you think is a better response? If you picked a) then you are in good company. Most people think that that\u2019s a better response. It\u2019s a response that attempts to change the person\u2019s emotion to a positive one. What\u2019s wrong with this?<\/p>\r\n What\u2019s wrong with it is that it is based on what I call the switch-on-the-forehead model of human emotion. In this model, we imagine that there\u2019s a switch panel on our forehead that controls all of our negative emotions. If you feel depressed,\u00a0 just reach up and flip the depressed switch to the off position. If you feel anxious, do the same with the anxiety switch. I’ve written quite a bit about depression<\/a> and anxiety<\/a> in previous posts, and this model of negative emotion doesn’t really work.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n Too bad we don’t have one of these on our forehead! Instead, we need to listen effectively to strong emotions.<\/p><\/div>\r\n Unfortunately, human beings don\u2019t actually have an emotional switch panel. In reality, we are really bad at changing our feelings quickly. When someone we are talking to implies we should be able to switch off our negative emotion we end up feeling the original painful negative emotion as well as an additional layer of shame that we can\u2019t control.<\/p>\r\n We say things like \u201cI feel so weak that I can\u2019t overcome my depression.\u201d \u201cI\u2019m such a loser to get so anxious about a job interview.\u201d \u201cI should not get so angry.\u201d Notice that all of these statements are trying to negate a strong emotion and shame comes with failing to do so.<\/p>\r\n It gets worse. There\u2019s actually quite a bit of research on thought suppression and what this research has found is what I call the pink elephant effect. The more you try not to think or feel something the stronger those thoughts and feelings become. Try not to think of a pink elephant and if you try hard enough that will be all you can think about. This is also true of anxiety, anger, sadness, and virtually all negative emotions. Thus when we try to \u201ccheer up\u201d someone who is upset, it usually backfires.<\/p>\r\n Why do people use invalidating listening responses instead of listening effectively? It\u2019s not out of malevolence. We all want to help. But these attempts to \u201ccheer up\u201d people are usually doomed to failure. People typically push back against the \u201ccheer up\u201d message. If you tell a depressed person to look at the positives in their life, they will push back and tell you about all the negatives, or they will negate the positives. Tell an anxious person that their fears are overblown and they will tell you why their fears are realistic. As they push back, they feel more depressed and more anxious.<\/p>\r\n What are the most common \u201ctry not to think of the pink elephant\u201d invalidating listening responses?\u00a0 Why are they unhelpful?<\/p>\r\n 1. Simple negation statements<\/strong>: \u201cDon\u2019t feel sad, don\u2019t feel anxious, don\u2019t feel angry.\u201d These are statements that simply instruct the person to stop feeling the negative emotion. Another version of a negation statement is \u201ccheer up\u201d, \u201cdon\u2019t worry\u201d, or \u201cchill out.\u201d Or perhaps the worst of all, \u201cGet over it!\u201d<\/p>\r\n These are unhelpful because we don\u2019t have that switch panel on her forehead that allows us to simply turn off negative emotions. In fact, because throughout human history negative emotions had more survival value than positive emotions, the brain overweighs negative emotions. On the ancient savanna, fear of being eaten by a lion when you hear rustling in the brush is a survival mechanism. Dismissing this fear could lead to disaster.<\/p>\r\n 2. Problem-solving suggestions<\/strong>: \u201cMaybe you should look for a different job.\u201d \u201cHave you considered ending your marriage or relationship?\u201d<\/p>\r\n The problem with these kinds of suggestions is that they implicitly dismiss the person\u2019s right to have negative emotions. They suggest a simple solution that will remove the negative emotions. But they are disrespectful because most people have already thought through all of these simple solutions and either they\u2019re not simple, or they\u2019re not solutions that they are willing to take.<\/p>\r\n Sometimes problem-solving is reasonable, but is best done after lengthy supportive listening. And usually, it\u2019s best to avoid problem-solving and advice-giving entirely.\u00a0<\/p>\r\n 3. Look-on-the-bright-side statements<\/strong>: \u201cIt\u2019s not that bad, at least you have your health (money, relationship, kids, etc.)\u201d or my favorite one, \u201cAt least it\u2019s not cancer.\u201d<\/p>\r\n These kinds of statements are not helpful because typically they are experienced as dismissive of our right to have these negative feelings. And we often push back and point out that there is no bright side, which can end up in a struggle between ourselves and the listener. This struggle is frustrating for both.<\/p>\r\n 4. Changing the topic entirely<\/strong>: \u201cLet\u2019s not talk about your depression, what are you doing the rest of the week?\u201d<\/p>\r\n Again, this is usually experienced as dismissive and unsupportive. It\u2019s like saying to the person, \u201cShut up and stop talking about your suffering.\u201d<\/p>\r\n 5. Get therapy or go on medication suggestions<\/strong>. This is when your friend or family member suggests you may need therapy or medication to deal with your negative emotions. Again, this comes from a helpful place but is often experienced as dismissive. It\u2019s like saying, \u201cI can\u2019t deal with your negative vibe, so please talk to somebody else.\u201d<\/p>\r\n There are certainly times when it\u2019s appropriate to recommend therapy, but this is best done after using positive listening approaches. Doing it at the front end is another way of invalidating the person\u2019s feelings.<\/p>\r\n If these are all examples of what not to do, what should we do when someone expresses strong emotions to us? \u00a0How should we respond? What skills can we use to listen effectively?\u00a0<\/p>\r\n 1. The first step is to listen empathically<\/strong>. What that means is to reflect back to the person what you hear them saying particularly the emotion. This skill is called a reflection of feelings. You basically just paraphrase their emotions, making an effort to be accurate as to the intensity. If someone says I am massively depressed, you don\u2019t reflect back \u201cYou\u2019re feeling a little bit down.\u201d Instead, you reflect, \u201cYou\u2019re really feeling overwhelmingly down.\u201d<\/p>\r\n If you accurately reflect feelings,\u00a0 then the person will elaborate on what they are feeling and you reflect again. Or you ask open-ended questions like, \u201cHow did that make you feel?\u201d or \u201cWhat did you feel then?\u201d This will also expand the responses to their emotions.<\/p>\r\n Another good option is to reflect back the emotion and then ask the person to tell you more. \u201cSounds like you\u2019re really mad at your wife about her spending. Tell me more.\u201d<\/p>\r\n Of course, basic listening guidelines apply. Make good eye contact, use head nodding and nonverbal encouragers like \u201cmmmm\u201d, and \u201cgo on.\u201d And of course, turn off your phone or mute it so you can listen fully.<\/p>\r\n 2. Try to avoid the temptation to problem-solve or give advice<\/strong>. Especially try to avoid what I call the narcissistic shift. The narcissistic shift is when you shift to your own experience instead of staying with the other person\u2019s experience. Many people mistakenly believe that these kinds of shifts are actually empathic but they are not. Here\u2019s an example of the narcissistic shift:<\/p>\r\n Speaker<\/strong>: \u201cEver since I went off my antidepressants I\u2019m feeling very depressed.\u201d<\/p>\r\n Listener<\/strong>: \u201cYes, that happened to me a few years ago. I ended up having to go back on them. That\u2019s probably what you should do.\u201d<\/p>\r\n Even though it may be true that the listener had a similar experience it is invalidating because typically the exact experience was quite different. Also, the message becomes, \u201cLet\u2019s \u00a0not talk about you, let\u2019s talk about me.\u201d<\/p>\r\n It is like my favorite narcissist joke. The narcissist says, \u201cLet\u2019s not talk about me, let\u2019s talk about you. What do you<\/u> think of me<\/u>?\u201d<\/p>\r\n 3. Normalize the speaker\u2019s emotions<\/strong>. Statements like, \u201cOf course you are feeling overwhelmed, so much has been going on lately.\u201d Or, \u201cOf course you are feeling depressed, you lost a job you loved. It makes perfect sense.\u201d<\/p>\r\n The benefit of normalizing emotions is that it takes away the shame. Just try not to do the narcissistic shift as part of this. Avoid saying, \u201cwhen I lost my job I got depressed also.\u201d Just remember good listening is not about you, it\u2019s about the other person.<\/p>\r\n\r\n
![\"Emotional](\"http:\/\/www.PsychologyLounge.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/07\/switch-17729_1280-300x225.jpg\")
What Not to Do When Listening to Emotions<\/h2>\r\n
How to Listen Effectively to Strong Emotions<\/h2>\r\n